What I thought of my past 6 months

Maybe I’m getting too much of my feminine side that I forget to be sturdy enough to withstand my emotions. They say the real men cry. The things is, crying isn’t the only avenue of showing that you are also weak, that you have been hurt, and that you are on the edge of your emotions. This is what is happening to me right now. I am not crying, yet I feel all the negative emotions I have felt since I was a kid. I am in an emotional stupor, and I cannot bear it, however I try to do so. How did I became this mess. All for one person. One who changed my world, the moment we kissed.

I was able to establish a relationship last April. It was not sudden since I had things planned. I don’t know if the moment that person entered my place, the same thing was running on that person’s head (Anyhow, things aren’t as what we expect them to be. For example, I was considered a good boy by some, but I think I am bad enough to be a terrorist, cleverly disguised in a conservative society.). Before I planned on being in a commitment, I promised myself I will only love one person, and that person I shall be with until I die. I already made a couple of plans for us. Say for instance settling down abroad, being able to work, having the time of our lives every weekend, raising a couple of kids. But just like other type of plans, it doesn’t go the way we want it to be. Just like what happened to my first Love Life. The first month was full of Romance. Sending text messages was one and only  medium of communication. Simply because, we cannot be seen in the premises of the school together, “lovey dovey” and all those PDA type of actions, because we need to conceal our relationship. Not only do we see it fit to hide, but because we play two completely different roles that may hamper a system if we are found out. I miss those times. Every Saturday for example, we will sneak into  the hallways and express sweet nothings. Those times are the ones that makes you feel a guilty pleasure.  

Our first date was truly amazing. But of course, we had  simple fight. In the end though, I realized that in front of this person, I am weak. I am helpless. I am simple servant, because I wanted the feeling to last forever. I hope that the feeling is mutual. This round-up of emotions is something staggering for a newbie-in-relationships like me. I am always apologetic, I end up the one saying sorry at all types of mistakes or simple . I always consider things my mistake. It may be true that the miscommunication between us can root some problems, but of course, all of this is a product of something pure, at least that’s my perception. We only wanted to see each other, without any type of nuisance, problem, or interruption. We ended up eating in a restaurant, and wishing that it would be empty so nobody would dare stare at us, glare at what we are doing, simply enjoy each other’s company. I took some photos of us. Mostly of that person. It was the first time I felt my bones weaken because of the manner, the look, the sublimity of emotions I capture. It was also the first time, I feel like crying over a simple cellphone picture. you see, the night before, we had a fight. But as I have mentioned, I was apologetic in all forms of fights that we had. That butterfly in the stomach you feel when you meet your love one? It’s way too powerful to be surpassed by anger, by hate, or anything else. The pleasure you feel is like dopamine times 1000. you really feel good that you will begin to realize, you’re addicted to a person, whom you just met like a month ago, yet you are falling head over heels over. Times like this are times you wish you can relive those moment…

(to be continued)



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