I want you to know

I saw your Facebook wall today.

You were happy. As of the moment, I am still trying to be one. I don’t know why this loss leaves a great deal of sense of emptiness. My grandfather died when I was a kid, I know for a reason why I didn’t cry. I was naive with what life and death is all about. More like, I was someone who never understood why the love for my grandpa given by my mom, my aunts, my uncles, and my grandma is something that is unfathomable. When My best friend left me back in High School, I felt really isolated, I felt the world going against me. I felt that there is  nothing to replace them, and what I did was really wrong. I was really apologetic, and they have forgiven me, except for one (I hope that when you read this, you still remember, and that this reminds you I still remember, I realized, and I want us to be best friends again). When I was planning to propose to go in a relationship with a girl (space) friend, I suddenly found out that she finally got her own beau, and that it tore me apart that I simply have to cry the night after. The worst part, she was made to choose between me and that guy. Of course, we don’t expect things to last, but we still hope for it to last. Sadly, during my second year in college, I fell in love again. This time, with a new found friend. She has a girlfriend, but in the end, they have to move to another town to study. She called me up, I use to miss her a lot. That night, uncountable moments did I feel tear fell out of my eyes. I truly miss her. Her loss, I guess, was one of the greatest. I learned later that she unfriended me in fb. Infuriated, I told her of how sick I am for being use and thrown out like someone simply because her new beau broke up with her because of me.

It’s almost Christmas. During the 6 months we were together, I dreamed of going to your place just to experience how you celebrate your Christmas. I wanted to know, how you are doing especially with how your life is going on during the moments we talked about each other’s lives. I miss those moments. There were times that I felt that the 6 months can extend to one year, and that we are just undergoing a phase (actually, up until now, I still am dreaming of it as a phase). You seemed really happy with your new friends. I hope you don’t get lost in the crowd. I hope that the moment you get out of that crowd, you still see yourself as you are. I still love you, I cannot deny that. I still long for those moments to happen again, I won’t tell you a lie about my feelings. I just hope that when you read this, just tell me that you appreciate it, and that what I did is something that you like. But in the end of your message, just make me realize how idiotic I am right now, sticking to the past without the least idea that I look so stupid creating a blog just because I want to try moving on. I miss you a lot. A simple concoction of words coming from you is greatly appreciated. This is not because I want you to reciprocate the same support I am giving to you, but rather, it is because I want to know if you still care about me, just as a human being, not even the slightest idea of me being your ex-lover.

I want you to know I will be here. But I guess my stay won’t be for long. Just like how the frosty breeze started yesterday in our place, we will not realize that it is summer. We will forget that our lives has pressed on. We forget. So from this point onwards, I want you to know, I still care.